Luck was not on Sergei's side when it came to the auction of the crown. Lord Burningdeath failed to pay up, but did manage to hack his account and list Sergei's own ass for sale. It collected numerous pittance bids before Sergei noticed the anomaly and de-listed it. He was the recipient of negative feedback from would-be ass owners, but persisted in relisting the crown, this time with a reserve.
Early in the morning five days later, Sergei roused himself from the sofa and checked his auctions. Indeed, the pilfered Crown of West Belgium had met its reserve price and sold for a princely sum! So pleased was Sergei with the buyer's prompt payment that he tossed in a 1997 Girls of West Belgium calendar when he shipped the item off to Mexico City.
Ah, Mexico City. There, in the palatial Palace de la Plaza, Corporal Juan Sanchez Coronado IV awaited his new prize. The former dictator of Chile, he had assumed power by raising his hand after volunteers were sought to lead the nation. Curiously, he never got around to promoting himself, which led to a coup when a lieutenant ordered him to step down one day.
Coronado was known as a ruthless dictator, whose ambition in life was to dictate his entire life story to his secretary. He was popular with the poor for his many reforms, including banning electricity, adopting Esperanto as the official language, and tying the currency to his pant size. But true glory eluded him, and he was never able to achieve his dream of uniting Chile, Azerbaijan, and The Gap into a world power. Now, his new purchase- a shiny crown mostly devoid of DNA smears, would elevate him in prestige. Much more so than the tiara he had been sporting. And with it came a foothold in Europe- West Belgium! He could stroll right into France and take it over anytime he wanted! Those fools at The Gap would rue the day they spurned his offers!
"Woman! Fetch me my bags. Pack my things, and leave a mint on the pillow. We are moving to West Belgium," Coronado yelled to his servant girl, albeit in Esperanto. "There, destiny waits for me to claim her. I shall mount and impregnate her with the vigor of a steroid-raged stallion, and our offspring will be a glorious new empire!" The servant girl was quite relieved that someone else would be fulfilling those duties from now on.
Meanwhile, Sergei pondered what to do with his windfall. If a thousand monkeys could be chained together and eventually write a novel, perhaps a thousand people could be forced to produce something even grander! But where to find a thousand people? Sergei was filled with a healthy glow and shiny coat as the plot gelled in his head like day-old Cream of Wheat. A thousand slaves would toil day and night until the world's greatest artistic creation was produced. A work that would chisel his name into the marble halls of history, right above Kato Kaelin and just below Hitler.
The world's biggest crushed-velvet portrait of Stevie Nicks, brandishing a crystal orb and riding a unicorn. It would be visible from space.
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