Chapter 1: Heaving. Always Heaving.

(Blue Italic Text Lifted from The Pregnant Princess by Ann Marie Winston)

I rang the bell and waited for Eleni to open the door and let me in.

"What's the matter? Is anything wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing's wrong. I came to tell you that I've come to a decision."

"A decision? I don't understand..."

"Yes you do! I'm going to Sifnos. Nothing can deter me. Nothing!"

Eleni looked at me long and hard. "It's because of Sergei, isn't it? That's why you are going to Sifnos," she said softly, her voice hardly audible. I remained silent a few seconds trying to collect my thoughts. "Eleni, please do not ask questions. We'll talk about it some other time. All I want and need right now is your help and support."

"I love you Katrina and... feel responsible."

Eleni sounded sad. I walked over to her and put my arms about her kissing her lovingly on the brow. A fragrance of orange blossoms reached my nostrils. Eleni's favorite scent. She had it sent to America from Sifnos regularly. It reminded her of her island in the spring. As for me, it brought back memories of my childhood and tears to my eyes. My Eleni of Troy, I thought. I always called her that; ever since I could remember. She had blonde hair and big blue eyes shaded by long dark lashes--a true Dorian, uncorrupted by the seed of Roman conquerors. I did not want her to witness my nostalgia and weakness. Quickly I wiped away the tears.

"Nonsense. Nothing will happen. I'll have a wonderful time exploring the island and be back safe and sound... you'll see."

"Does Manos know you are taking this trip?"

"No, I have not told a soul. You are the only one who knows and I want to keep it that way," I said emphatically.

This was true. If Manos knew of my going to Sifnos, he would definitely not approve. In fact, he would frown upon it much the way an upside-down smile would appear, only perhaps meaner, with a faint hint of anger mixed with lust in his eye. But then again this was the look he gave to everyone, from the most common commoner to the President of Britain.

Eleni sighed, for a moment lost in the thought, and then continuing because sighing was in vogue at the time. She couldn't get that "seed of Roman conquerors" line out of her head, despite the fact that she hadn't heard it since it was in fact in my own mind.

"I'm the Crown Princess of West Belgium!" I cried, finally revealing my full identity to the reading audience, "And I'll go where I damn please, woman!" With that, I took a look around to make sure I had everything, including my keys and a trout, and then took my leave for Sifnos and the warm, mammalian arms of Sergei.

I entered my vehicle and drove off to Sifnos, where I knew he would be. Cruel he was, like a perverse priest of the Inquisition who lived for the screams of young maidens, as they were tortured upon the Rack or Iron Maiden. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the Golden Arches. Their warm, inviting glow beckoned me and I felt a strange hunger from down below. As pulled up to the drive-thru, I remembered a fable my father used to tell me.

"See the Golden Arches? They're yellow because they are filled with pee." he would say.

"They are not!" I would reply.

"Well, where do you think the pee goes when you used a McDonald's bathroom?"

I sighed, my mind heavy with thoughts of my father... and Sergei. I ordered a Big Mac, which had 34 grams of fat, and French Fries of size L, which have 26 grams of fat.

As I drove away, I forced myself to cutely pout like Jennifer Love Hewitt. I then began to devour my French Fries...thinking of him.

The blare of sirens brought my attention to the present. An officer of the law had sighted me and my dubious bag of french fries, and had decided to enforce the Homeland Security Laws. In my rumbling hunger and nostalgia over my father's Pee-Arch legends, I'd forgotten that fast food was so delicious, what with it's flame-broiled goodness and dubious nutritional value, that it was so distracting that it was illegal to drive while eating it.

"Sir," the officer began, "don't you know eating fast food while driving is illegal?"

"It's 'Miss'," I corrected him.

"Miss? But you've got short hair, like a man!" he exclaimed.

"I'm not a man!" I roared, flecks of chewed potatoes sailing past my lips. "I'm the Crown Princess of West Belgium!"

The officer took a step back, and then regained his composure. "Crown Princess, eh? Where's your crown?" And with that statement, he had shot to the heart of the matter, the reason I had to return to Sifnos, the reason I had to track down Sergei.

"Well," I stammered, "It's not really a 'crown', really, more like, you know, a tiara, or a laurel, except it's not made out of leaves, but...' I glanced down at the officers hands. He was readying his handcuffs. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm arresting you, 'princess'," he mocked.

"But I have to get to Sifnos!" I pleaded as he opened the door and pulled me to the pavement. "My father, the King of West Belgium will hear of this!" I threatened as he strong-armed me to the asphalt and clasped the handcuffs behind my back.

"Sifnos, eh?" the policeman snorted. "You're one of those 'Sweatshop Activists', aren't you? Well, you're gonna see how we treat Sweatshop Activists, New Hampshee stylee, my skinny friend."

I had neglected to study an Atlas, which would have informed me that the island of Sifnos was only accessible via rural highway stretching out of New Hampshire. Although the mind could boggle at the geography, mine had more pressing matters to attend to. I was very much at risk of becoming the Crown Princess of Lesbos once my potential cell-mates got hold of me. I had to get out of this.

"Say, Officer Handsome," I said, erotically licking the ketchup from the corner of my mouth. "You look Big & Tasty yourself."

Oh, alas, poor Sergei! If he were to hear me say these things, it would rip his heart into three. (His second heart was one of several turn-ons.)

In the meantime, Eleni was busy scheming, like the manipulative bitch she could be when required by the plot. "If Katrina takes away my Sergei, I'll just have to abscond with Manos!" Mmm, Manos... The thought delighted Eleni even more than the free airline ticket she had received when opening her checking account. "If that's how she wants to play, then so be it. I'll go to Manos, and he'll make me his Womanos!"

Eleni found the free airline ticket would come in handy to fly to the plains of Texas. After renting an old convertible, she drove for an eternity through endless fields. Take a right at the drunken couple necking in the road, and she arrived in 19-second shots at the old hotel.

What memories this hotel had... Eleni had spent a wonderful summer there under the tutelage of The Master. It was here she first met...him. Manos. He was a shy boy who constantly lived for The Master's approval. The chemistry between her and Manos was overpowering, and one magical night...

But was that just a dream? Surely the magic she had felt that night couldn't have been real. And try as she might, she had never been able to capture it again, no matter how many Johns she had.

Sighing yet again, Eleni looked up at the sound of a slamming door and spied...him. Manos. Shuffling out of the old hotel in his sweet hobble. As he approached, he raised his head and their eyes finally met...