tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88814651155462628532011-04-21T15:25:19.248-04:00The Managementnoreply@blogger.comBlogger281100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-25179135991992740552007-09-08T11:02:00.003-04:002007-09-08T11:02:47.137-04:00

Sergei was in the mood for love. It had been minutes since he downed his last paper cupful of strawberry Arbor Mist, and gazed longingly at the pixelated image of Tootie from The Facts of Life on the screen of his Apple Quadra. If only it didn't have that watermarked copyright notice across her face! Nevertheless, it was enough to put Sergei on the prowl."Yes," he thought. "Tonight the prey

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-60929693091502349622007-09-08T11:02:00.001-04:002007-09-08T11:02:20.243-04:00

I was accepted to participate on Senseless Reality Show #214 quite handily. Having paid the requisite $1.99 fee to text message my application to the "Fun Line," and then signing away all ancillary rights to my likeness, future children, kidneys, so on and so forth to Sony BMG Music, I was ready to compete. Soon I would earn the million-dollar prize, and Sergei would feel the heat of a million

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-48021022541676807002007-09-08T10:53:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:53:45.235-04:00

It came to pass that I was required to flee Miss Spankpenny's school, primarily due to my murdering a rival student with a croquet mallet in a bitter dispute involving buttered toast and vengeance. Again I found myself alone in the world, sober, and forced to fend for myself. And fend I did, for I was becoming quite capable in my exile. A chance encounter with the

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-86774655291116829082007-09-08T10:53:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:53:28.355-04:00

Upon my arrival back on earth, I found my space capsule entangled in the canopy of an exquisite specimen of Victorian architecture, on a tree-lined street in what I took to be either London or the sound stage of a Disney musical. By and by I freed myself from the awnings and climbed down to examine my surroundings and shag someone senseless. The sign outside the

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-42595342625196393072007-09-08T10:52:00.004-04:002007-09-08T10:53:06.664-04:00

Howard Leeds surveyed his enormous orbital death station, remembering his struggle to save up for the down payment, and his anxiety when he first heard from the building inspector that there was a slight defect in the foundation that he may have to hire someone to patch. Those days were long behind him now. A few trips to Home Depot, some potted plants, and an army of android

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-49691550801714150942007-09-08T10:52:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:52:46.524-04:00

One-Eyed Jack and I emerged from the airlock, cautiously optimistic about the chances of having intergalactic sweaty green alien sex with any number of the station's inhabitants. A red-shirted squad of security personnel quickly surrounded us, and took us to the outpost's commander. We were rudely tossed to the ground before him, and offered only some stale airline

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-81534246365254970002007-09-08T10:52:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:52:25.946-04:00

I had little time to consider Jack's offer of forced prostitution, for at that moment federal agents swarmed on the Quanders homestead, demanding payment of the mortgage and the handover of a young Cuban refugee I had previously not been aware of, who had been put to work mining diamonds in the basement. "Oh hell," Jack yelled, cursing his unfortunate luck at being

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-88155407824983410132007-09-08T10:51:00.004-04:002007-09-08T10:52:05.471-04:00

After our marathon lovemaking, which we conducted by running twenty-six miles around the perimeter of the ranch joined at the crotch, we collapsed, spent as the federal government. "Jack," I asked, as he popped his glass eye back into its socket, "did the earth move for you, too?" "Yes," he answered. "You see, the earth is always slowly rotating during the course

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-90905731515759258242007-09-08T10:51:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:51:48.708-04:00

I wandered for days, following the road wherever it took me. Which happened to be a small horse ranch somewhere in the middle of a place I like to call Iowa. Whether or not it was actually Iowa I can't say, because I neither asked nor cared, but I'll call it Iowa for your benefit. And for Iowa's benefit as well, for I'm sure they'd like to erect a sign stating "Katrina

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-88221990796954179142007-09-08T10:51:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:51:30.898-04:00

My recovery was going splendidly, except for developing cirrhosis from drinking so much rubbing alcohol. Dr. Hardbeef assured me that, "pain is the cleanser" and that, "cleanser is even more the cleanser," handing me a bottle of Liquid Plumber to imbibe. "That oughtta flush the evil gnomes right out of you, who I'm positive have taken up residence in your liver and

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-59295188019815216962007-09-08T10:50:00.006-04:002007-09-08T10:51:12.173-04:00

Eleni's trip to the North Pole was short-lived. For starters, she was illiterate, and unable to discern that the letter 'N' on her compass marked the way north, despite it having been the letter of the day on Sesame Street that morning. She reluctantly returned to West Belgium, where Sergei and Coronado were tightening their grip on the kingdom, like one of those

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-13707044878947057102007-09-08T10:50:00.005-04:002007-09-08T10:50:54.607-04:00

I became accustomed to life at Farthing Farthwest, as Rendol called his complex, and spent many an hour watching Tiddleybox-Upon-Entertainment Center, or "television" as you and I know it. Rendol had a pet name for everything, including his pet. Sir Drummond Alexander Crustmuffin, a basset hound, was better known as Captain Horatio Sanchez Ruffintuffin among the band.

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-18692570809155889372007-09-08T10:50:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:50:36.670-04:00

Eleni sat alone, rocking back and forth on the floor of the bedroom suite she shared with Sergei in the Royal West Belgian palace. Sergei and Coronado had departed to attend the grand unveiling of Sergei's pet project, the enormous, space-visible velvet painting of Stevie Nicks he had wanted since he was a little girl. The project hardly needed unveiling, since most of the

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-22663468199415178412007-09-08T10:50:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:50:21.338-04:00

By and by, I left the intensive care unit and was driven to Rendol's luxurious estate, which was surrounded by a statuary featuring sculptures of naked polo players chasing overmuscled panthers. As we approached, I studied the interior of the limo, which was upholstered tastefully in hot pink leopard print. It reminded me of my brief teenage stint as a taxidermist. Everything had

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-5907133824953435402007-09-08T10:49:00.004-04:002007-09-08T10:50:01.479-04:00

I began my day's work at dawn, but found customers scarce in the open sunlight. Perhaps this was owing to the lack of cover that the darkness so eagerly provided at night, like that curtain over the door to the adult section of the video store. Or maybe it was that, in the harsh solar glare, my festering sores were visible. Whatever the case, clearly my back-alley stripping career

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-42441981848640901002007-09-08T10:49:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:49:41.995-04:00

Freshly arrived in West Belgium, Coronado watched as his workers hastily assembled the framework for his masterpiece, a crushed-velvet portrait of Stevie Nicks, visible from outer-space. Asides from beckoning to whatever intelligent observers may gaze upon it, it also served to advertise his arrival among the populace. Few would miss the complete blockage of the sun by the enormous

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-5915600559043639502007-09-08T10:49:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:49:24.487-04:00

It was with weary anger that Francezka closed her laptop. Why, of why did things of this particular and humiliating nature always happen to her? "I am worthless." She thought aloud. "I am unable even to win my crown through an internet auction site! Specifically eBay! If only I could remember exactly how I came to lose my crown, and my kingdom! The Kingdom of West Belgium!" No,

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-61841570662861091382007-09-08T10:47:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:47:21.029-04:00

Luck was not on Sergei's side when it came to the auction of the crown. Lord Burningdeath failed to pay up, but did manage to hack his account and list Sergei's own ass for sale. It collected numerous pittance bids before Sergei noticed the anomaly and de-listed it. He was the recipient of negative feedback from would-be ass owners, but persisted in relisting the crown, this time

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-2297813874275452652007-09-08T10:46:00.004-04:002007-09-08T10:47:03.931-04:00

I surveyed the island for a wet bar. Cap'n Ron explained to me that he had been exiled here after his defeat at Waterloo. He also explained that he was very much insane, that he used to be the Queen of England and an astronaut, and instructed me to address him as "his Holiness" from that point forward. I conceded this point, and took a swig of "Ron Juice," the fermented grog he

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-41715115073119336382007-09-08T10:46:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:46:45.950-04:00

Sergei could stand his hunger for Eleni no longer. Like an Ethiopian being digested from the inside by his own underfed stomach, Sergei buckled with uncontrollable gurgles of insatiable craving. After the neighbors called the cops on him due to the noise, he decided he simply had to have Eleni. Then. Now. At that moment. Which was then. There was one way he could lure her back to

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-26245954408383846942007-09-08T10:46:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:46:29.784-04:00

My affair with the ticket girl ended quickly, with some of her hair still lodged in my false fingernails. By and by I found myself aboard the plane. It turned out that the "dampest port of call," for which I'd ordered my ticket, was a Central American banana republic called Isla de la Humedad. The complimentary publication left in my seat informed me that the country led the world

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-46970576487625432952007-09-08T10:45:00.004-04:002007-09-08T10:46:09.249-04:00

The sun drove through the window like a large and clumsy SUV. Manos groaned and wished he had not stayed up so late reading Jem and the Holograms slash. The disappointment he felt was keen at the lack of cohesive story or character continuity. He had eventually blacked out from the sheer cretinous plotline and deficient sex scenes. Now, he knew he must decide what to do with his

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-51581107040866416182007-09-08T10:45:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:45:52.500-04:00

"Ragnor" must have abandoned me at the airport, and I found myself being conveyed on the luggage turnstile, between a bag of golf clubs and a small box. The box was labeled "Mr. Fluffers" and sported airholes, and a rather putrid stench. I shook it but there was no sound. Mr. Fluffers, if still inside, was resting with the type of comfort one can only achieve on pure down bedding,

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-91172718341021258172007-09-08T10:45:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:45:24.809-04:00

It was at that moment that Eleni's phone rang. Having incinerated all her dwarves she was forced to answer it herself. "Hello?" she inquired, hoping dearly that it was Manos, or at least not her mother asking when she would visit again. "Good day, I'm calling on behalf of FirstNorthOneBank, is Ms. Eel-lei-, er, Eel-lei-nah there," asked the gentleman caller, whose primary

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-36120057195623333092007-09-08T10:44:00.004-04:002007-09-08T10:45:08.204-04:00

"Dear diary, having wandered in the dread woods of Deerfield for several hours, never once encountering any roaming hired help, I found my way to civilization. But it was already greatly changed from my memory! The first person I encountered upon emerging from the wilderness was a leotard-clad nobleman by the name of Ragnor, although he insisted upon the less formal "Chuck."

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-90139406033379582512007-09-08T10:44:00.003-04:002007-09-08T10:44:51.229-04:00

Back in prison, I wasted away, eking away a meager existence on water, wine, four meals a day each including salad and dessert, and smack. I was allowed out of my cell only for ballroom dancing, box socials, conjugal visits with interlopers, forced prostitution, and our eight daily showers. "Brunhilda," I asked, in the darkness of our cell that night. "What are you in for?" "

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-37924823684601990272007-09-08T10:44:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:44:32.015-04:00

I was in prison, and took the chance to record my thoughts in my diary. "Dear diary, I have been removed to the Deerfield State Penitentiary, whereupon I have been studying the curious local culture of the residents. In their show of gratitude to me, they have conferred upon me the title of 'Gimp', with all the rights and privileges associated. My flatmate is Brunhilda. I asked

The Managementnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8881465115546262853.post-3808627254995083192007-09-08T10:43:00.001-04:002007-09-08T10:43:57.522-04:00

(Blue Italic Text Lifted from The Pregnant Princess by Ann Marie Winston) I rang the bell and waited for Eleni to open the door and let me in. "What's the matter? Is anything wrong?" She asked. "Nothing's wrong. I came to tell you that I've come to a decision." "A decision? I don't understand..." "Yes you do! I'm going to Sifnos. Nothing can deter me. Nothing!" Eleni looked

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